Big Reveal-Sometimes you don't know WHY God does something, but it's ALWAYS for your own good-Part 1

Okay....so the big project I've been working on was submitting my mission papers again!!!! AAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been a rough road since I came home.  However, a lot has happened that has led me to this decision. December 1, 2009 was one of the hardest days of my life.  I've had several of those since, but nothing that left me with the emptiness and confusion as that day.  I had been preparing for my whole life to be a missionary.  I finally made it on my mission, then all of a sudden, that was gone.  I was home and lost.  A good friend who also came home (though not for QUITE as long as me) described it as feeling all sorts of emotions.  You doubt everything you believe, your worth, even the existence of God.  On one of my first weeks back, someone came up to me at church and said "you look like you've lost your best friend".  I had...that constant companionship you have on your mission both physically, and the STRONG influence of the Holy Ghost in your life is a bit of a shock when you lose it as suddenly as I did. They told me that I would be back in the field on January 5, but I knew better.  I was sent home for asthma complications, but knew that there was NO way I would make it back that soon with my shoulder surgery recover.  I hadn't even started PT yet, and hadn't even had my left shoulder fixed.  I knew at the time that I wouldn't be going back.  Despite that, I went through with the recovery and still planned on going back towards the end of Summer 2010.  Well, I had the opportunity to work at EFY that summer and save up money again before going on my mission.  It was a GREAT way to build back up the spiritual beating I had suffered.  The very last week of EFY, I went to the temple on my off day with the purpose to prepare to once again become a missionary.  However, after spending quite a bit of time pondering in the temple, I KNEW that God was telling me I wasn't to go back out on a mission.  I was crushed, but decided there must be something else for me to do. I went home at the end of the summer, got clearance from the orthopedic surgeon I would get to know VERY well over the next couple years and decided to just check in at my old job.  While meeting with the chief, I had an almost outer-body experience.  I left the office realizing "I just told him I was ready to go back to work". That had NOT been my plan and I don't even remember saying it.  I'm pretty sure God put those words in my mouth because I would not have done that on my own.  I was still being stubborn trying to figure out how I could go back on my mission. To be continued...

Great things come to those who wait...at least that's what I'm told

Okay, so I've been working on a top secret, completely amazing surprise for the last few months (and thinking about it a lot longer than that).  The whole project boils down to an amazing event that could happen at any time now.  I am about to burst with excitement and joy over this surprise.  I can't wait until I can give more information...that will come within the next couple weeks...along with videos about my journey.  Seriously, I'm giddy with excitement.  Only a few people know about what I've been working on. I'm grateful for the support and love I've received this far.  There are no words to describe my gratitude for the love and guidance I've received from my Heavenly Father.  I know without His son, I could not have gotten through this process.  I've had a lot of changes in my life that have turned my plans upside down. A friend once said they noticed my "deep relationship with Christ". This relationship is what has kept me from completely falling apart through out these trials. Locally, there is a historical site of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called "Liberty Jail".  This is one of the many places Joseph Smith was imprisoned.  While there, Joseph Smith poured his heart out to God asking questions like "Where are you? Why have you left me?  Why are you making me go through this?" and God responded with the following:

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."-Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8

These verses have brought me a lot of comfort through my trials.  A talk I read a while back referred to our own "Liberty Jail moments" when we go through those feelings of despair as "blessons" or blessings we receive as we learn our lessons from trials.  When my plans have been turned upside down, I have come to view them as blessons and ask myself what I can learn from it.  Here's to exciting projects and trials!!! (not that I want more trials...I'm grateful for my blessings gained from trials, but a trial-free period for a while is nice as well.) P.S. there will be more about Liberty Jail to come.  I'm tempted to just blurt out my project because it's been so long since I've blogged, there is probably no one left that reads it or checks for updates! Hehehe

Prostitutes, night clubs, and voodoo...oh my!

So, I just received the email with the villages I will be working in when I go to Haiti.  The descriptions sound like it could be a VERY interesting experience.  

One of the villages is Minoterie.  You can read more about it here: http://www.mohhaiti.org/villages/6#.U17NnoFdX-o

The description that stood out to me is "According to our Church of Hope leaders, there is no church inside the city limits that exerts a substantial Gospel presence in the town. There are three voodoo temples in Minoterie. The church has difficulty growing in Minoterie because of a heavy presence of prostitution and nightclubs, which is fed by the constant inflow of truckers coming the flour plant. According to a survey of community leaders, there are 3 prostitution houses and 6 nightclubs...The constant influx of truckers has cultivated the market for prostitution and other similar activities discussed previously...The gospel is often not accepted by women in the prostitution industry because they feel as though they have no other way to provide for their families. Minoterie could benefit from a gospel-centered program to move the women of the town out of prostitution. "  I feel for these women that feel their only option to care for their family is the sell their bodies.

The other village is Source-Matelas.  The description isn't quite as colorful, but still sounds interesting! 
http://www.mohhaiti.org/villages/8#.U17PQ4FdX-o

"Though there are many churches in the town, there is an equally strong presence of Voodoo temples. There are 19 Voodoo temples in Source-Matelas that are broadcasting an anti-gospel message in the town."

"Now behold, a marvelous work is about to come forth among the children of men"

As a full-time missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, it was essential to understand Doctrine and Covenants chapter 4 in order to fully comprehend your purpose and the impact one can have as a missionary.  Here is the complete passage:

"Now behold, a marvelous work is about to come forth among the children of men.  Therefore, O ye that embark in the sevice of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day.  Therefore, if ye have desires to serve God ye are called to the work.  For behold the field is white already to harvest; and lo, he that thrusteth in his sickle with his might, the same layeth up in store that he perisheth not, but bringeth salvation to his soul; and faith, hope, charity, and love, with an eye single to the glory of God, qualify him for the work.  Remember faith, virtue, knowledge, temperance, patience, brotherly kindness, godliness, charity, humility, diligence.  Ask, and ye shall receive, knock and it shall be opened unto you. Amen."

Doctrine and Covenants Section 4

In 2009, I left on what was supposed to be an 18 month mission for my church.  Due to an injury sustained, I came home after 9 weeks and was never able to return.  Ever since then, I've felt like there was a hole inside of me.  Something was missing.  I still had a mission that I needed to fulfill.  But where?  Well, several co-workers and friends have made trips to Haiti since the earthquake.  I've heard the wonderful stories of how much need there is.  After researching many different organization, I've found one that just felt right.  After more prayer, I KNEW I needed to share one the the talents God has given me.  A medical mission trip was going to Haiti in the month I have between Spring semester and Summer semester.  PERFECT!!!!!!!!!  So, I contacted Mission of Hope and started the process.  I dug my passport out of hiding (and only had to open 3 boxes to find it) and sent in all the documentation required.  I've started fundraising for this mission and even started a fundraising webpage!!!!!   I am so excited for this trip that I can hardly contain myself.  I'm sure my current coworkers and classmates are sick of hearing about it.  There are links to my fundraising site as well as the website of Mission of Hope, the organization I'm working through.  Please check them out and if you can help in any way, I will be eternally grateful!!!  I will definitely keep this updated about my trip and when I return, I'll flood it with pictures and stories from my experience.

My last post was a cliffhanger! Now onto what happened on Feb 20...

It was a normal day at work...or so I thought.  On a standard, run of the mill nursing home/assisted living 911 call.  Patient was loaded up, I reached out to pick up the EKG monitor...and pop...followed by pulling...but that was just scar tissue right? That really didn't just happen?  Nah, it's not that bad, just a little uncomfortable...must have been scar tissue.  I continued taking care of the patient, got her to the hospital, and while writing the report, noticed my shoulder getting a little stiff...that's normal.  Surely, I didn't do what I thought I did.  Then I was driving the ambulance back to the station, got there, went to turn the steering wheel, and BAM! That hurt...quite a bit...but it's still tolerable, maybe I can finish off the shift. I sat down at the computer to order supplies, then it really started to ache and hurt...and Snowmageddon was supposed to arrive in a few hours.  Could I really finish the shift? I was at a slower station...it was almost 8 at night, we'd more than likely sleep.  BUT Murphy's law clearly states "when planning, or NEEDING a full night's sleep with no calls at the fire station...one will receive a code blue, massive trauma, and patient that weighs more than the entire crew put together." Reality hit...I'd hurt my shoulder.  SO I called the supervisor, took our ambulance out of service and eventually was told to go the ER for treatment.  They did x-rays and gave me some pain meds and I went home.  Luckily, I was "sober" enough post pain meds that I could give my supervisor directions to my apartment...for some reason they didn't want me driving home.  Long story short, SEVERAL months later, I finally got an MRI that showed...you guessed it...another tear in the cartilage...a different spot, but another tear, non-the-less.  As good and experienced as I'm getting at this whole shoulder surgery/rehab thing, I really don't want to make it a habit.  This week, I was faced with a very difficult decision...I ran out of all my benefit time, and short term disability ends on Tueasday.  Do I hold off hope that my shoulder will recover and I'll be able to eventually be able to make it back on the ambulance (meanwhile being on UNpaid leave)...or face the inevitable, and accept long term disability (medical retirement).  LOTS of time on my knees praying, some temple time and many bawl my eyes out sessions later, I made the very difficult decision to medically retire.  My heart wants to be a paramedic.  Unfortunately, my body has other plans.  So, I made the very difficult phone call to benefits at work to discuss the end of my career and we came to the last date of employment.  August 24 is my last day working.  For the next week, I will be working modified duty at Support Services like I have been, and as of August 25, I am a medically retired paramedic.  That has been a HUGE pill to swallow.  I am still in a bit of denial about it.  Luckily, I was blessed with this job from Children's Mercy that works around school...and helps with tuition assistance, I have great friends and family members supporting me, and a temple less than an hour away.  I never would have thought that I'd be retired before 30, and now I face the question...what is the next step in my life? Stay tuned to find out what I learn on THAT journey!

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times

As much as I DESPISED the book this quote came from, it is perfect to describe the last several months.  I'm a huge believer in the theory that there must be opposition in all things in order to appreciate life.  This year has been one of ups and downs constantly.  Some of the "downs" have been extreme downs, but I'm convinced that they were meant to make me appreciate the "ups" SOOOOO much more.  In October last year, I got to experience the other side of the ambulance.  I must admit that I like taking care of people a WHOLE lot more.  I spent a week in the hospital, and took forever to recover.  Gotta love asthma.  Fall semester was my first semester in a University.  I LOVE my school, but it is an hour drive each way and I was in classes 5 days a week.  Combining that and my work schedule was creating more stress as well.  In November, I applied for a job dispatching the Children's Mercy Transport team on night shift (keep this in the back of your mind...it will come back up).  I just felt stuck and like I was just surviving life, not enjoying it.  My brother was engaged and I was dealing with drama associated with THAT as well (not my business to blog about that...just know there was DRAMA in the family).  I survived the semester and passed all my classes...not A's, but passing is about all I hoped for towards the end.  To tell you a little bit about how stressed I'd been, I never even decorated for Christmas.  Those that know me know just how unusual this is for me.  SOOOOOO, those are some of the downs.  These all made me appreciate what was about to come...Little did I know how my life would change.  I survived the wedding, and went back to school. So, Spring semester started off pretty good.  I'd have never thought that I would LOVE my Genetics class like I did.  I was enjoying life again...then February 20 happened.  A day that will live in infamy (in my life at least).

Boy Howdy do we have some catching up to do!

Okay, so I caught the blogging bug...then was cured from it.  Now I think I've caught it again...hopefully.  A LOT has happened since the beginning of the year.  To quote an awesome movie "Lemme 'splain...no, there's no time...lemme sum up".  NAME THAT MOVIE. Okay.  So here's the summary...career ending injury...possible lawsuit...retirement before 30...amazing friend of four years turning into boyfriend...into eventual eternal companion...wedding date set...and moved...chickens in the kitchen...traveling...pageants...school...new job...being targeted by cops...boy visiting me...me visiting boy...okay, that's about it.  I will explain in more detail later, but this is an outline for what is coming.  Are you as excited as I am?