Big Reveal-Sometimes you don't know WHY God does something, but it's ALWAYS for your own good-Part 1

Okay....so the big project I've been working on was submitting my mission papers again!!!! AAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been a rough road since I came home.  However, a lot has happened that has led me to this decision. December 1, 2009 was one of the hardest days of my life.  I've had several of those since, but nothing that left me with the emptiness and confusion as that day.  I had been preparing for my whole life to be a missionary.  I finally made it on my mission, then all of a sudden, that was gone.  I was home and lost.  A good friend who also came home (though not for QUITE as long as me) described it as feeling all sorts of emotions.  You doubt everything you believe, your worth, even the existence of God.  On one of my first weeks back, someone came up to me at church and said "you look like you've lost your best friend".  I had...that constant companionship you have on your mission both physically, and the STRONG influence of the Holy Ghost in your life is a bit of a shock when you lose it as suddenly as I did. They told me that I would be back in the field on January 5, but I knew better.  I was sent home for asthma complications, but knew that there was NO way I would make it back that soon with my shoulder surgery recover.  I hadn't even started PT yet, and hadn't even had my left shoulder fixed.  I knew at the time that I wouldn't be going back.  Despite that, I went through with the recovery and still planned on going back towards the end of Summer 2010.  Well, I had the opportunity to work at EFY that summer and save up money again before going on my mission.  It was a GREAT way to build back up the spiritual beating I had suffered.  The very last week of EFY, I went to the temple on my off day with the purpose to prepare to once again become a missionary.  However, after spending quite a bit of time pondering in the temple, I KNEW that God was telling me I wasn't to go back out on a mission.  I was crushed, but decided there must be something else for me to do. I went home at the end of the summer, got clearance from the orthopedic surgeon I would get to know VERY well over the next couple years and decided to just check in at my old job.  While meeting with the chief, I had an almost outer-body experience.  I left the office realizing "I just told him I was ready to go back to work". That had NOT been my plan and I don't even remember saying it.  I'm pretty sure God put those words in my mouth because I would not have done that on my own.  I was still being stubborn trying to figure out how I could go back on my mission. To be continued...