God has a plan...if you just look at your challenges the right way, you may learn something

Okay, I'm going to vent a little, but keep reading, there is a lesson, too. So, tomorrow marks my 3 month anniversary of being home. I'm more than just a little frustrated. Recently I've had several people comment on how I "sort of served a mission" or "kind of served a mission" or "served a mini-mission". Not only is this frustrating, it down right hurts...deep. Yes, I came home after a short 9 weeks, but I served FAITHFULLY in those 9 weeks and gave my all. I did NOT come home because I broke a rule or did something wrong. I didn't come home because of a wrong choice I made. Even if I did, no one on earth has the right to judge me and treat me the way some have. I was SENT home not by my choice, but because of an injury and because the MTC doctor wasn't satisfied with how I was healing (a whole other thing to vent about). Some think coming home early is the easy way out and to them I'd like to say they are ABSOLUTELY wrong. Coming home is one of the hardest things I've ever done. I've had days where I cry myself to sleep longing for that missionary experience that I'm "missing", trying to come up with why I came home, what I did wrong, wasn't I good enough to be a missionary? What lesson am I supposed to be learning? If so is there a way that I can learn it and finally move on? Then I learned...it's not that I wasn't good enough or did something wrong. There may not even be a particular lesson that I'm supposed to learn. Perhaps it's because God has a purpose for me in Kansas. Maybe there's someone here that needs me. I may not be wearing my name tag anymore, but I am still a missionary at heart. I study Preach My Gospel regularly, I'm still working on learning Spanish. I'm doing everything I can to stay worthy and prepared to return to the mission field once I'm healed...IF it be God's will. Even if it's not HOW DARE ANYONE judge me because I wasn't gone for 18 months. I am getting ready to have my 4th surgery since putting my papers in and 5th (if you include oral surgery) since I started my papers. I'm getting ready to meet with my FOURTH surgeon to try and find someone with the knowlege and skill to fix my shoulder. I've been through more while trying to serve a mission than most people go through in a lifetime, and I've learned a lot from it. I've grown to have an IMMENSE love for my Savior and what He's done for me. I KNOW that Christ not only suffered for sins, but so He can help us through ALL our challenges, no matter if it's a sickness, self-esteem issues, financial issues, or anything else that's ailing us. He KNOWS what we're going through and wants to help, but He is just waiting for us to ask. I challenge those that think coming home was the "easy" thing to reconsider that and think of what I'm going through. For those of you that have supported me through everything, I can't even express my gratitude. You're what's helped me pull through. You know who you are, and THANK YOU.

Spoke too soon

Okay, again, good news first. I've been signed off as having a good right shoulder by the orthopedic surgeon, so I have been discharged from his care. YAY! Now the crappy news. I went in today to see the surgeon that was supposed to operate on my arm on Friday. "Supposed to" you may ask...apparently, he only repairs if you have one spot that needs work (i.e. the torn posterior labrum I have-ripped something in the back of my shoulder), NOT if you need work in the front and back...so I have been referred to yet ANOTHER surgeon. Yes, this will be the 4th person to see my arm (not including urgent care, er, or physician assistants). The BEST part is that my appt with the newest surgeons PA is on monday...the last day I am covered under mission medical. MEANING, my surgery will more than likely not be the same day, so I get to find a way to pay for the surgery. I'm grateful that the local church is willing to help with that, I just hate asking SO much. I feel helpless and just want my shoulder to function correctly without creaking or clunking or making any other noises. Is that too much to ask? Ugh..."specialists"

YAY!!!

So good news first. On Thursday, the physical therapists re-evaluated my right arm after 4 weeks of PT every weekday. I have full range of motion again!!! YAY!!! Finally!!! On Friday, I was officially discharged from PT (again, for the right shoulder). It feels SOOO good to have my arm back. Monday is my follow-up with the Ortho Surgeon who will hopefully pass off my right arm as "fully healed". Okay, now for bad news. On Wednesday morning (EARLY...3am) I was sleeping on my belly like I always do. I went to roll onto my side and my left arm got caught under my body and dislocated. I popped it back into place (which gets easier each time I dislocate it) and went to the ER for an x-ray just to make sure I got it back in the right spot. Luckily I had. The ER put a lovely immobilization splint on it and told me to wear it until I follow-up with the surgeon. Yeah, took that thing off yesterday...it was driving me CRAZY! So, after hopefully getting my right arm signed off on Monday from Dr Romito (the guy who did the manipulation on my right arm), I get to meet with Dr. Humphrey on Tuesday to follow-up on my dislocation. He is the one that is going to operate on my left arm. Dr Romito referred me to Dr Humphrey (they're in the same practice) because Dr. H specializes in the procedure I'm having. Hopefully they can still do the surgery as scheduled on Friday (if anything, the dislocation will just make them want to do the surgery even more). I haven't heard back from the hospital yet regarding what time the surgery will be, but when I find out, I'll let y'all know. Thanks for all the support! One arm down, one more to go. YAY for finally seeing progress!

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh (sigh of relief)

Have you ever had a spot in your back that you just couldn't crack...then experienced that amazing relief when you finally do? Well, that's how I felt after the surgeon knocked me out and manipulated my shoulder. I was in recovery, grinning, and almost giddy when the physical therapist started moving my arm (and you all know how much I love physical therapy). It's amazing that after about 5 minutes of the surgeon moving my arm around with me out of it, I feel like a whole new person. I can reach over my head, out to the side, etc. I have full range of motion in flexion and extension, I'm 5 degrees away in internal rotation, and external rotation still has a little work, but it's totally doable! I HAVE MY ARM BACK!!! I actually look forward to PT each day now! I just love the fact that I'm progressing...and quickly. Oh yeah, and we also have a plan for the other shoulder. I will go in for another arthroscopic surgery, but this time on the left shoulder, on February 26th to repair a torn posterior labrum (for those that were curious). This will happen as long as my right arm continues to progress. It was SOOO funny when I went back to PT after the procedure. One of the PT assistants even said "I want to kiss you!" because she was so excited at how much I can move my arm. WAHOO!!! It's about time we got some good news...even if the surgeon did walk in wearing a KU cap...I guess I can forgive him after he helped my shoulder out so much...

Sounds Like Medieval Torture if You Ask Me, (but isn't that what PT's been?)

So, I FINALLY got in to see the surgeon today and here is the decision. If I were to continue with PT, I would continue to make progress, but it would take FOREVER to get my full range of motion back. So, next Tuesday (Jan 26th), I go to the operating room where they knock me out and do a "Manipulation Under Anesthesia". Basically, they are going to put me under general anesthesia (completely out), then move my arm in ways the physical therapist tried without success due to my pain. Hopefully, they won't even have to cut me open, just move my arm in every which way. This should break up the scar tissue, loosening up my shoulder enough that I can start progressing faster. The BEST part of it (insert sarcasm here) is that I get to do physical therapy at the hospital THE SAME DAY before they'll even consider releasing me. Then, I continue with PT 5 times a week for 4 weeks. But if in those 4 weeks, I progress enough, I will get to go to 3 times a week...(let's pray for that, 5 days a week in h-e-double-hockey sticks sounds like a bit much for me). My arm will be REALLY sore after, but hopefully this will allow for faster progress and regaining of my range of motion. It doesn't sound like something ANYONE would want, but I have to admit, it's kind of nice to finally know what the next step is and hopefully see progress.

Really?

Okay, so my follow-up appt with the surgeon was originally scheduled LAST YEAR (well, on Dec 14, but that was still a while ago) for Jan 9. On Jan 6, I got a LETTER in the mail saying they needed to reschedule. A LETTER. So, I called in and expressed frustration when they told me that his first opening was Jan 29...um, an extra two and a half weeks of PT without eval, I don't think so! I explained to them that we had been having problems in PT, so they decided they were going to schedule me with the PA. I politely, yes politely, told them the last time they did that, she ended up calling in the surgeon anyways. But they said she could handle it, so I took an appt with her on Jan 15. They told me they had to cancel all the appointments because of an "emergency." I've worked for a surgeon, I've used that excuse before, he's probably in Florida golfing. So, on Jan 14, PT does a re-eval, measures everything, and puts me through torture (this is the second visit in a row that I've had the therapist from you know where with very bony fingers that takes "that is tender, it hurts" as an indication of pushing harder on my muscle.) so that I can be ready for my follow-up. Well, on Jan 15, less than two hours before my appt, I get a phone call. The PA received the report from the physical therapist and wants me to see the dr...kind of what I tried to tell them on the phone over a week ago. The dr's first appt is Jan 22 now...two weeks after my initially scheduled follow-up. After expressing EXTREME frustration, the gal on the phone said she would call me back...I told her to hurry because I need to know if I should start getting ready for my appt. Well, almost an hour later, she calls me back, and the dr has an appt on Monday morning. Hopefully this one will stick. I would switch drs, but it took so much to finally get one to accept my case, that THAT would take even longer. Unfortunately, Mission Medical called as I was hanging up with the dr's office and asked how my shoulder was. After frustratedly (if that is a word) explaining to her what I had just been through, apologized for my tone, and told her I would call as soon as I heard anything. So, I will update y'all as soon as I'm finally allowed to see the dr...sigh, nothing like having to put your life on hold because another person can't make the time to fit you into to their "busy schedule". Ugh! I've convinced myself that my surgeon left suddenly to help in the relief effort in Haiti. Must be it, why else would any human do something like this?

Therapy

This entry is going to be about therapy...not physical therapy, not lying on a couch recounting your childhood therapy...but MUSIC. After being in the MTC where the only music you hear is the hymns during firesides/church meetings, and Music and the Spoken Word on Sundays, I forgot how therapeutic music can be. It all started a few days ago when I was listening to...I will confess...my Meet Miley Cyrus CD while in the shower. I couldn't resist myself...I started dancing. I continued to dance after I was squeaky clean. It just made me happy (several of the songs brought back memories from EFY dances, Miley/Hannah is played quite often). THEN, today, I got bored with watching movies (one of the few past times I can enjoy right now). I decided to turn off the TV and just plug in my MP3 player. I got SOOOOO much done! Plus, it just felt good to sit and listen to music. I feel SOOOOOO much better than I did when I woke up this morning. So, I'd just like to challenge all y'all out there to just take some time out of your day to listen to your favorite music (no matter what it is) and don't be afraid to dance. It works WONDERS on stress. Will you take some time out of your day and listen to your favorite genre of music and dance, even if it's only a couple of songs? I know it'll make you feel better and relieve stress, even if it's just for that few minutes of dancing. (gotta get my missionary challenge out there)