You want me to do what?!?!?!-Putting the plan in place, and ANGERING Satan

1 Nephi 3:7 And it came to pass that I, Nephi, said unto my father: I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.

This scripture stuck in my mind A LOT as I was trying to decide how in the world I was going to fit a mission into MY plans.  He will prepare a way, right?Little did I know God was fitting it into HIS plans...despite MY plans. I knew I needed to go back out, and I made the decision that after I graduated in May would be the perfect time.  It gave me a little under a year to prepare, and would work out great. After deciding to serve a mission, my car decided to prepare me for trials and frustrations...by breaking everything at once...distributor went out and killed the radiator, exhaust system, and everything else attached.  Several thousand dollars later, I had a car that ran...most of the time.  I was struggling due to the long commute to and from school (80 miles each way, 4-5 days a week). Then it died on the way to school and as I was sitting on the side of the road I realized, (spoiler alert!!!!!) life sucks. I had it towed back to Kansas City (I was in the middle of NO WHERE when it died...like give a mile marker to the tow company because there was NOTHING close by). Of course, the dealership was unable to find ANYTHING wrong with it and it started right up the next day.  I drove it straight to another dealership that had a car I wanted and signed paperwork to get a new car.  I was going to be able to sell it before leaving on my mission but still have transportation to and from school...yeah right. Due to a very INCOMPETANT *$%&*#&%*& employee at this dealership O'neill Honda that I choose to be Christ-like and won't name, that deal fell through and I was stuck with my old unreliable car. Before taking the nice car back to the dealership, I stopped at the temple to do a session to try and gain some peace and guidance in what I was supposed to do now.  I was yet again at a loss of the plan for me.  While in the temple, I immediately got my answer, and didn't like it.  Like ugly cry didn't like it (just ask the friends that just happened to be there at the same time  it was a U.G.L.Y. snot-down-my-face-can't stop blubbering long enough to say anything cry). I wasn't supposed to be in school anymore. It was taking WAY too much of my time and WAY too many years off my life. I wasn't able to concentrate on what was truly important...finishing school. And of course it was three days after the withdraw date...so I have a semester of failures on my transcript.  Failure...a term I felt very familiar with.  Failed at a mission, failed as a paramedic, failed to get married. Fail. Fail. Fail.  Wasn't I ever going to succeed? These are the thoughts that go through your head...right before something amazing happens.  Satan is trying to keep you from doing something so great, you can't even imagine.  He tries to beat you down so he can win.  Well, TAKE THAT Satan!!! I decided to put my papers in and set an appointment with the Bishop (leader of my congregation at church) to get things started.

Four in one day...what?!?!?!?! Trust me, I'm almost done with the story

Going out with the missionaries was great and blessed me, but I still struggled a little (or a lot at times).  I still thought that I needed to get ready for medical school.  I was still kind of miserable in school (second straight semester of Organic Chemistry), preparing for the MCAT (THAT was fun), getting applications ready for medical school.  My life was coming together again.  I took the MCAT, then shortly after I went to Haiti. It was JUST what the doctor ordered!!! I treated patients, I sweat, I worked hard, and it felt GREAT.  Treating patients was what I wanted to do!!! I came back from Haiti recharged and ready to go.  I continued my applications for Medical School, got back my MCAT score...not too shabby (especially for not taking any prep course and doing very little prep work (not that I didn't want to, I just couldn't find the time). I was a week away from submitting my application to several medical schools...all of a sudden, something didn't feel right.  I've become VERY familiar with that feeling over the last few years. It took a lot to figure out what that was, but at the time I KNEW now was not the time to apply to medical school...I just didn't know why.  I still felt like that was where I would end up, but not at this time in my life.  GREAT!!! Now what was I supposed to do.  I really wish I could get a blue print from God sometimes.  This is the time of your life you will be a paramedic, THIS is when you will get married, THIS is what career you will be in, etc.  It would make things SOOOOO much easier!!! I really felt uneasy about medical school, I prayed and prayed for answers, then thought back to what made me happiest.  Maybe that would be a clue to where I needed to start. I loved serving in Haiti.  I treated patients, I was able to teach and testify of Christ. I needed to go back on a mission...WAIT...WHAT?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! EXACTLY what I was thinking.  I enjoyed my time in Haiti and I came home not knowing that my mission trip there was missing one "little" thing that would have made it perfect.  It took a lot of pondering and to We were able to share a little bit about Christ, but something was still missing.  I couldn't share the FULL knowledge I had of Christ (it was through a non-denominational Christian organization). I wanted to share the fullness of the Gospel that I had learned to love and rely on through the tough times.  I wanted to go on a full-time mission again. Holy Moly... I was going on a mission again...but how? when? I'm still in school?!?!?!?!?!?! I was a little very confused about how this was going to work.

Part 3-FINALLY answers

So, in December 2013, my shoulder was finally repaired after my life-altering injury.  I was off work while recovering...fighting to get enough short-term disability to recover properly. I had to go back to work a short 2 months after my surgery.  My shift had been changed, I was still staring at a screen. and still in a funk.  Because of scheduling issues, I had been working either Saturday nights, getting home shortly before church started and EXHAUSTED or Sundays.  It had been MONTHS since I had gone to church. My good friend (to remain nameless) and I were each other's therapists at this point in our lives because a) we were both on the edge of going postal and b) we were so broke and working so much we couldn't get to/afford an actual therapist. It's amazing how God puts what we need in life exactly where and when we need it.  I was over at Courtney's for dinner (a regular event). She had told me how awesome the sister missionaries were in her ward.  Then a knock on her door...and I thought "it would be hilarious if it were the missionaries". AND IT WAS.  They had found me.  Then Courtney told them about my lack of church attendance and they called me to repentance (not really, but kind of). They asked to share a message, then shared the following two Mormon Messages...both of which I had watched a LOT in the several weeks prior:

This one I watched for the first time in the MTC when it was released...and bawled because it was just what I needed to hear
https://youtu.be/coef8G5ax6E

Followed by this one that was how I felt at the time...just hoping something good was coming:
https://youtu.be/8nczw6xHJ0I

Okay, so I needed to get back to church...and luckily I was able to for a few Sundays anyways, then the sister missionaries started asking me to go to appointments with them/give them rides.  I did...and it was GREAT...whenever I had time, which was limited with my crazy schedule.  I LOVED serving them. It made work and school somewhat tolerable.  I was HAPPY again.

Part dos-Back to work after the mish

So, after blurting out to the chief that I wanted to come back to work, I almost didn't get the job.  A new hiring process just HAPPENED to start the next week. The invitation to interview came via e-mail and went to my junk mail folder.  Luckily, someone called me to say "we haven't gotten your application yet".  Needless to say, I applied, went through the process, and got hired back again. I was at home!  I LOVE being a paramedic.  I jumped right back in where I had left and was working with Dan McManigal, who would prove to be a very good friend and a big brother to me. I occasionally had the inkling that I wanted to go back on my mission, but was easily able to push that aside with how much I was loving life and what I was doing. Eventually, I had to have my right shoulder repaired again in Jan 2012, possibly a tear that hadn't been repaired and had been there since the first surgery.  A short (but LOOOONG) six months later, I was back at it.  Loving life and loving my job. Doing PR events right and left, working football games, doing my dream job while going back to school in preparation for my goal of eventually going to medical school.  I was at a school that had amazing teachers and a GREAT science program, despite an advisor that thought I was a peon because I wasn't a 4.0 right out of high school student.  Then February 20, 2013 happened and my career ended.  I was HEARTBROKEN.  However, I had an amazing relationship with a long-time friend, and we were planning on getting married later that year.  Then that ended and I was left heart broken.  Still in school, working a job that wasn't ANYTHING like the one I loved (dispatching...staring at a screen for 12 hours at a time, sending others out to do the job that I loved...having NO patient care whatsoever). I needed a change.  I wasn't enjoying school (thank you Organic Chemistry), I wasn't enjoying work, I didn't trust relationships...there was something missing and I had no idea what.  I was in a spiritual funk, feeling like there was something I was supposed to be doing, but having NO IDEA what that was. My life had been turned upside down so many times in such a short period that I had a hard time trusting my intuition...or trusting that those were promptings from God. How could a God that loved me so much let SO much tragedy happen in such a short amount of time with what seemed like no relief? (To be continued again...I have a lot to say. I haven't blogged in a REALLY long time and this is replacing my journal right now...deal with it ;) )

Big Reveal-Sometimes you don't know WHY God does something, but it's ALWAYS for your own good-Part 1

Okay....so the big project I've been working on was submitting my mission papers again!!!! AAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!! It's been a rough road since I came home.  However, a lot has happened that has led me to this decision. December 1, 2009 was one of the hardest days of my life.  I've had several of those since, but nothing that left me with the emptiness and confusion as that day.  I had been preparing for my whole life to be a missionary.  I finally made it on my mission, then all of a sudden, that was gone.  I was home and lost.  A good friend who also came home (though not for QUITE as long as me) described it as feeling all sorts of emotions.  You doubt everything you believe, your worth, even the existence of God.  On one of my first weeks back, someone came up to me at church and said "you look like you've lost your best friend".  I had...that constant companionship you have on your mission both physically, and the STRONG influence of the Holy Ghost in your life is a bit of a shock when you lose it as suddenly as I did. They told me that I would be back in the field on January 5, but I knew better.  I was sent home for asthma complications, but knew that there was NO way I would make it back that soon with my shoulder surgery recover.  I hadn't even started PT yet, and hadn't even had my left shoulder fixed.  I knew at the time that I wouldn't be going back.  Despite that, I went through with the recovery and still planned on going back towards the end of Summer 2010.  Well, I had the opportunity to work at EFY that summer and save up money again before going on my mission.  It was a GREAT way to build back up the spiritual beating I had suffered.  The very last week of EFY, I went to the temple on my off day with the purpose to prepare to once again become a missionary.  However, after spending quite a bit of time pondering in the temple, I KNEW that God was telling me I wasn't to go back out on a mission.  I was crushed, but decided there must be something else for me to do. I went home at the end of the summer, got clearance from the orthopedic surgeon I would get to know VERY well over the next couple years and decided to just check in at my old job.  While meeting with the chief, I had an almost outer-body experience.  I left the office realizing "I just told him I was ready to go back to work". That had NOT been my plan and I don't even remember saying it.  I'm pretty sure God put those words in my mouth because I would not have done that on my own.  I was still being stubborn trying to figure out how I could go back on my mission. To be continued...

Great things come to those who wait...at least that's what I'm told

Okay, so I've been working on a top secret, completely amazing surprise for the last few months (and thinking about it a lot longer than that).  The whole project boils down to an amazing event that could happen at any time now.  I am about to burst with excitement and joy over this surprise.  I can't wait until I can give more information...that will come within the next couple weeks...along with videos about my journey.  Seriously, I'm giddy with excitement.  Only a few people know about what I've been working on. I'm grateful for the support and love I've received this far.  There are no words to describe my gratitude for the love and guidance I've received from my Heavenly Father.  I know without His son, I could not have gotten through this process.  I've had a lot of changes in my life that have turned my plans upside down. A friend once said they noticed my "deep relationship with Christ". This relationship is what has kept me from completely falling apart through out these trials. Locally, there is a historical site of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints called "Liberty Jail".  This is one of the many places Joseph Smith was imprisoned.  While there, Joseph Smith poured his heart out to God asking questions like "Where are you? Why have you left me?  Why are you making me go through this?" and God responded with the following:

"My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes."-Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-8

These verses have brought me a lot of comfort through my trials.  A talk I read a while back referred to our own "Liberty Jail moments" when we go through those feelings of despair as "blessons" or blessings we receive as we learn our lessons from trials.  When my plans have been turned upside down, I have come to view them as blessons and ask myself what I can learn from it.  Here's to exciting projects and trials!!! (not that I want more trials...I'm grateful for my blessings gained from trials, but a trial-free period for a while is nice as well.) P.S. there will be more about Liberty Jail to come.  I'm tempted to just blurt out my project because it's been so long since I've blogged, there is probably no one left that reads it or checks for updates! Hehehe

Prostitutes, night clubs, and voodoo...oh my!

So, I just received the email with the villages I will be working in when I go to Haiti.  The descriptions sound like it could be a VERY interesting experience.  

One of the villages is Minoterie.  You can read more about it here: http://www.mohhaiti.org/villages/6#.U17NnoFdX-o

The description that stood out to me is "According to our Church of Hope leaders, there is no church inside the city limits that exerts a substantial Gospel presence in the town. There are three voodoo temples in Minoterie. The church has difficulty growing in Minoterie because of a heavy presence of prostitution and nightclubs, which is fed by the constant inflow of truckers coming the flour plant. According to a survey of community leaders, there are 3 prostitution houses and 6 nightclubs...The constant influx of truckers has cultivated the market for prostitution and other similar activities discussed previously...The gospel is often not accepted by women in the prostitution industry because they feel as though they have no other way to provide for their families. Minoterie could benefit from a gospel-centered program to move the women of the town out of prostitution. "  I feel for these women that feel their only option to care for their family is the sell their bodies.

The other village is Source-Matelas.  The description isn't quite as colorful, but still sounds interesting! 
http://www.mohhaiti.org/villages/8#.U17PQ4FdX-o

"Though there are many churches in the town, there is an equally strong presence of Voodoo temples. There are 19 Voodoo temples in Source-Matelas that are broadcasting an anti-gospel message in the town."